There is a sad history behind this 'odyssey' of mine, a history that makes me uncertain if I will continue on this magical journey through the world of Equestria.
When I began writing this, it was in the days after my mother had just gone to the hospital for emergency surgery. She hadn't been eating and had been in pain, for how long I don't know, but it turned out to be cancer. She was hospitalized for I don't even know how long. At night, and sometimes during the day depending on how bad my sleep was messed up, I would sit down, load up an episode of My Little Pony, and watch and write to try and occupy my mind.
It feels strange to think that that all happened nearly two years ago.
My mom went through chemo therapy from July/August 2012 and finished sometime early in 2013. She didn't even lose her hair. My parents never really told me the dark of the matter I suppose, but for a while things seemed to be back to normal after the chemo was done. They went on trips across the country to see their relatives, they went out to dinner, hung out with friends.
I'll never forget the moment when my mom and dad came to see me after a doctor's appointment. That look of anguish on her face, the tears that flowed as she sobbed and said the cancer was back and had spread to her lungs.
Chemo was started again. It must have been a stronger brew because she lost her hair this time and a lot of weight. After a few months, it stopped: the chemo was ineffective this time. Her hair started to come back and was completely grey.
Around when Season 4 was due to begin, things had gotten much, much worse. She had problems breathing. Every time she had to walk it resulted in these painful gasps for breath. I ended up missing the first episode and I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep up with the show, despite desperately needing the escape that it and this 'odyssey' provided.
My mom's brother, her sole remaining family member, and his family flew in for Christmas. Looking back on it, I was a fool for not realizing that that would be the last Christmas I would ever have with my mother.
2014 came and the months went by. I saw her getting worse and worse. I secretly prayed that something would happen to make it all better, but in my heart, my soul, I knew it wouldn't. Every day that goes by will just be worse than the last. I would find myself thinking, "Are we really just waiting for her to die? Is there nothing that can be done?" Deep down, I knew she wasn't going to make it much longer. Every month, every week, every day, I wondered how much longer she would make it. Sometimes I kidded myself and imagined her still being here next Christmas.
In the last few weeks, I could barely stand to see her as she was. She was in constant pain, I don't even know if all the medication she was on helped with it at all. She hadn't been able to eat due to the cancer strangling her intestines. She was wasting away, her face, once full of love and life, was just skin and bones, and there was nothing I could do.
I had nightmares about it every night. I would even see myself in my childhood home, with childhood friends, and my mom would be the tormented soul that she was in the present. When I woke up, the nightmare continued in reality.
Some nurses who have tended dying patients have reported that when the end is near, the dying will be seen talking to their loved ones who have already passed, and that is a major warning sign that they won't be around much longer. I was standing by my mom's side one day as she watched TV. I kept seeing shadows moving out of the corner of my eyes. She suddenly started looking up, past me with this fearful expression. I looked up, fearing a spider or whatever, but there was nothing. From that point on, my mother ignored me and her mouth moved as if she was talking to whatever it was she saw. No words came out, sometimes she could barely talk to the pain and all that, but I would see her smile, turn to look out the window, look back towards whatever it was.
After seeing this happen to a person that I know could not have deserved
such a fate, my faith in the powers above was shaken, to say the least. Seeing my mom's 'conversation' with whatever it was gives me a little bit of solace that there may truly be an afterlife, hopefully one that is not as rife with misery as this life.
It's been two weeks now since she finally was granted the mercy of death. I doubt it ever may be as peaceful as Hollywood may make it seem, but my mother, one of the most selfless, kind, loving souls, couldn't even get that luxury. She deserved a quick and painless death, instead, she died in torment, after enduring months of excruciating torture.
The night after it happened, I had to sleep in that house. I tried to stay awake as long as I could, I was scared I guess. I finally decided to submit and go to bed. As I lay there, I started getting that feeling as if someone is watching you. I thought I could sense a 'presence' near the foot of my bed. Maybe it was her spirit, maybe I was just incredibly distraught.
The nightmares have stopped. I've only seen her a few times that I can recall, and she looked youthful. I haven't been able to go one night without breaking down in tears. I start thinking about things like how she will never see my wedding, or read my silly pony stories, and things like that, and the tears begin.
Anyway, I just wanted to explain some things in case anyone was wondering what became of me. I still would like to go through season 4 documenting magical spells and all the other craziness that is this Odyssey to Canterlot, but I just don't know if I have it in me after these past months. I've been unable to focus, unable to enjoy a lot of the things I loved, and ponies were one of them.
Hopefully that love will return and I will see you all again soon. =]
