May the Best Pet Win

Dear Princess Luna...

We start off with Rainbow Dash having a nightmare about a chimeric creature manifesting before her. It goes from a dog-headed owl, to a rabbit headed owl, to a rabbit-headed, winged lizard with a cat for a tongue.

I am become Death, destroyer of worlds!

Rainbow awakens, apparently having decided to sleep in a tree, to find the cat-tongue fiend in normal cat form yowling right near her, while the other creatures stare up at them from below. Instead of questioning why there is an angry mob chasing this cat, Rainbow Dash just relishes the fact they aren't out to devour her...yet.

Poor Rarity, she is the owner of this evil cat. Her friends have been gathering behind her back, choosing to not even mention these 'Pony-Pet Playdates' because they know Rainbow doesn't have a pet and likes to take naps in the afternoon.

Another use for magic: dragging a toy across the grass to play with your evil cat so it doesn't slice you up.

Rainbow decides to try and go back to sleep in the same tree, even though she knows her friends plan on playing with their pets right next to it. Perhaps unaware of all the responsibilities, costs, etc. of owning a pet, Rainbow, in a mix of envy and wrath, decides she needs a pet, which apparently are magic words to Flutteryshy as she becomes extremely enthusiastic and drags Rainbow back to her pet shelter/home.

*sigh*

So, Rainbow starts outlining what she wants in a pet. Something awesome and cool. Something as fast as a bullet. Wait, what? There are bullets in the Ponyverse? Common enough for them to be compared to in regards of speed?

So, in response to these initial desires, Fluttershy produces a bunny. Rainbow comments about liking to fly, so Fluttershy presents a kitten. Then a seal and an otter. Rainbow again points out that those can't fly, and Fluttershy tries to counter that the seal can get 10 feet of air jumping out of water.

Finally getting Rainbow's point, Fluttershy brings out a ladybug and a cricket. "Bigger, and cooler!" Rainbow responds. Oh, great, the tortoise is trying to get Rainbow's attention on it's own volition. I've got a bad feeling about where that is headed.

Fluttershy then showcases a flying squirrel, which for some reason has an elaborate 'curtain' system set up in its tree. Rainbow is getting annoyed and reiterates what she wants. A pet that can keep up with her, that is awesome, can fly, and with coolness that 'defies gravity.'

Fluttershy 'senses' that Rainbow wants an animal that can fly. Then conveniently shows her this menagerie of winged beasts she has. Gee, why didn't you show that to Rainbow initially, considering you are supposed to be her close friend and even with the small amount of episodes I have seen, Rainbow is all about flying.

Oh great, a zoom in on a forlorn looking tortoise. Sigh... I already know that none of these pets are going to matter except that thing.

Now Rainbow has too many cool pets to pick from: a bat, a wasp, a bald eagle, a falcon, a hummingbird, a monarch butterfly, an owl, etc. She asks Fluttershy for a 'yellow striped bat' and Fluttershy proceeds to show her a hot pink flamingo.

Rainbow, unable to choose on her own, decides all the creatures should participate in some contest to deem themselves worthy of being her pet. At least she stomped on the tortoise Mario style and knocked his sunglasses off.

"I don't want to hear of any soldier under my command being captured unless he has been hit. Even if you are hit, you can still fight back. That's not just bull shit either. The kind of man that I want in my command is just like the lieutenant in Libya, who, with a Luger against his chest, jerked off his helmet, swept the gun aside with one hand, and busted the hell out of the Kraut with his helmet. Then he jumped on the gun and went out and killed another German before they knew what the hell was coming off. And, all of that time, this man had a bullet through a lung. There was a real man!"

Rainbow starts trying to put the fear of death in the hearts of her potential pets, singling out the butterfly for flapping its wings too slow. The majority of the other candidates are just standing on the ground, so you'd think she'd commend that one for showcasing its flying ability, since she values that so much.

Sigh... Fluttershy brings that stupid tortoise. My will to watch the rest of this episode diminishes, as I think we all know she is going to end up with that thing instead of something actually awesome like a bald eagle.

At least Rainbow is as displeased as I that this stupid tortoise is going to be forced on her, and physically assaults it again. Apparently no one in Ponyville wants this thing either, but of course we already know it's going to be forced onto Rainbow Dash to teach her some kind of lesson ala Tortoise and the Hare.

Rainbow Dash has one of the better character designs in my opinion. I like how she leaves trails of rainbow, or as seen here, is so fast she sets the ground on fire with rainbow hued flames. She then makes a Tron-like rainbow trail.

Rainbow Dash apparently desires to have her own pony slaves, and makes certain to tell Twilight she wouldn't want her anyways because she doesn't know enough about being awesome like Rainbow.

The falcon demolishes the speed test, while the tortoise doesn't even make it past the starting line.

The hummingbird demolishes the agility test, then loses points for not being able to 'high five' and stay airborne. The tortoise tripped over itself and didn't even make it to the testing grounds.

You want some? Come get some! You got some artillery? You better have some messin' with me 'cause I'm gonna SMOKE you if you're just talkin' trash!

Rainbow is one sadistic pony. The next challenge is to try and get the evil cat's toy mouse away from her. All the creatures are cowering in fear except the butterfly, which uses it's wings to confuse the cat and get the toy. The tortoise somehow moved from the line of frightened creatures to behind the cat's carrier and tried to crush Opal with it, and gets what it deserves as the cat goes berserk on his shell.

How did the tortoise get there? We already know the thing can barely move, or trips over itself when it tries to move. Rarity or Twilight must have teleported it over with their magic. Another point for unicorns, punishing the stupid tortoise.

Next, we are given a series of photos of the pets posing with Rainbow.

A bat on its own is pretty awesome. A bat with sunglasses is even better.

Look how perfect they look together. She could probably even get Herman Goering's falconry glove from Dale Gribble.

Assuming this isn't just a purely staged photo, that little hummingbird can fence? Yet we know she ends up with the tortoise..

Aww...

The bald eagle and Rainbow know curling? That's... odd yet cool at the same time.

Even just being next to this thing for a picture makes Rainbow uncomfortable.

The tortoise fails the coolness test after trying to cough up a lung. The bald eagle wins with it's awesome eagle screech.

The owl wins the awesome test by spinning its head around. The tortoise tries to be 'awesome' by retracting his head into his shell. Rainbow is getting even more fed up with this thing.

Cut to the next event, a talent show, apparently the radical test.

"Why, excuse me, mister! Do you know anything about King Toot-toot-and-come-in's tomb?" "Why, tut-tut-tut my boy, you mean King Tutankhamen's tomb?"

1. It's a bald eagle. 2. It can do curling. 3. It can knit? Come on! I would have already picked this back at Flutteryshy's, without even knowing how awesome it really was!

The falcon decides to do a magic trick and seems to have failed.

The wasp is doing shadow puppets and somehow makes this?

The bat plays a short song then uses his sonic abilities to destroy the glasses, but loses points for being 'awesome' and not 'radical.'

The tortoise fails yet again, and we can only hope suffered internal injuries after falling off that step ladder.

Rainbow, herself having enough of this forced tortoise BS, tells him to get the hell out of there. She tells him he is 'starting to creep her out.' Now, Rainbow has had 0 interest in this thing. Unlike the other pet candidates, the tortoise immediately was trying to get Rainbow to pick him and consistently tries to invade her personal space. Yeah, that thing can only have ill-intent but at this point it's all but confirmed she ends up with the thing, despite it failing to meet any single one of the expectations she wants for her pet.

The candidates have been reduced to 4. The falcon, the bald eagle, the bat, and the owl.

Not content with her previous attempt at killing off her potential pets via Opal, Rainbow decides the last challenge should be a race against her through Ghastly Gorge.

Now we know the true reason Rainbow doesn't have a pet. Lining the bottom of this gorge are likely the mortal remains of many flying creatures that have met their demise while trying to get Rainbow to love them.

Cue awesome music.

So Rainbow says whichever pet crosses the finish line with her gets to be her pet. The falcon has already proven it is the fastest thing there is, so the contest should already be over, unless it dies in this gorge of nightmares.

Stupidly, the moronic tortoise is still here, confirming my earlier suspicions of what happens.

Medic!

Say what you will about Rainbow Dash, but she truly is the queen of flight. While her potential pets are getting wrecked up by these obstacles, she is having the time of her life.

Yeah, what's up punk?

Okay, I was wrong about something. The bottom of the gorge isn't lined with corpses, these God damned eels probably ate all the previous potential pets.

As the candidates struggle to remain alive, Rainbow casually flies backwards into a cliff face, causing an avalanche. The pets for some reason completely ignore this and fly onward. Rainbow starts freaking out about stuck there forever. Like her friends would just leave and not bother looking for her after the race ends and she doesn't show up.

Somehow the stupid tortoise is able to lift up this giant piece of rock with his head. Nevermind the fact that it should have taken him hours to get to that point...

Oh, look, as soon as the pet candidates reach the finish line without her, her friends immediately are concerned and start looking for her, and what a surprise, the Speed test champion falcon was the winner.

Ugh, and once more, the stupid tortoise is hamfisted in so it can be the winner, abusing a technicality because Rainbow said 'whichever pet crosses the finish line with me.' I'm really surprised that Rainbow herself brought this up and not Pinkie Pie or something.

Wow, then she proclaims that the tortoise was the only one that stopped to help? Really? The stupid thing was so far behind it wasn't 'stopping to help' it was 'arriving at the scene' and we already know the thing has some perverted fixation on Rainbow.

She just broke that poor falcon's heart, after he/she gave his/her all in these contests, while that moronic tortoise failed at everything it tried to do.

Rainbow composes a letter to Princess Celestia, saying how she used to think having actual abilities was a key component for her pets and friends, but that all changed when she met this creepy tortoise that 'never gave up.' Hmm, because it was fixated on her from the get-go?

She then compares the tortoise to a tank. I guess I was wrong about that comment I made in an earlier episode about the ponies having trains and that tanks would be next: they already have them. There is definitely some dark, behind-the-scenes history to the Ponyverse since they have bullets and tanks. Did they have their own World Wars?

...

Seriously? She snubbed pets at the beginning for not being able to fly, then apparently they have BS like this? She could have had that otter, a wolf, a fox, a badger, a tiger... pretty much any badass land animal could have been made flying for her.

What I learned from this episode:

• Rainbow Dash is pretty awesome.
• We could have had a cool episode about Rainbow getting an equally cool pet, instead we had this moronic tortoise forced upon us (and Rainbow)
• Spike: I know I've been critical of that character in the previous episodes, but this stupid tortoise has replaced Spike as 'Worst. Character. Ever.'
• I really hope this show isn't big on continuity, because I don't want to see this thing again.
• If it had been done differently, instead of being forced down our throats, and say, everything happens as it does without the tortoise involved, and then in the race she gets trapped, and a tortoise happened to have been living in the Gorge and saves her and 'wins' the race by bringing her to safety? Yeah, that would have not been nearly as rage-inducing as the method they went with.
• Update! After having watched the entirety of Season 1 and 2, this is the worst episode! Congrats, stupid tortoise, for ruining one of the few Rainbow Dash specific episodes.