Just For Sidekicks

Dear Princess Luna...

Three episodes left in this season including this one. Let's hope this one isn't a PoS like that last one, but unfortunately I see that it likely focuses on Spike, not quite sure why Twilight's slave warrants so many episodes,  and it has that moronic tortoise from what used to my most despised episode. I'm not sure if Keep Calm and Flutter Off, This Episode Sucks will take that title, but probably will as it was just aggravating bunkum. Oh, this also means there are only two shots left for a Rarity episode, and it would appear the 13th is definitely all about Twilight, so 12 is the last hope for her.

Holy spades, they are actually acknowledging that Spike stole that phoenix egg in Dragon Quest. We see photos of Spike with the egg, Spike with the hatchling.

Spike falling and getting paint all over Twilight.

And quite possibly after the paint incident, which the phoenix may have been involved in, what a surprise, Spike returns him to his parents, probably after getting slammed into a few walls by Twilight.

Spike is singing to himself while trying to make a jewel cake and Owloiscious flies in and tries to tell Spike to stop being such a fatass, as Spike is eating handfuls of jewels (the cake's ingredients) while working on it.

Spike gets to the step where he needs to add jewels, eats some more, then notices that all the jewels are gone. He immediately blames Owloiscious, who takes flight, hoots, and hits Spike's chef hat. Owloiscious then holds a spoon up to Spike to show him that the 'who' that took the jewels is Spike. It is no wonder that the Apples didn't want Spike any where near by in that previous episode.

Spike starts going all dramatic about it, finds a jewel on the ground, puts it into the mix, and eats it, then starts screaming, 'WHY?' Because you're a gluttonous moron, Spike.

Spike continues singing about how much of an idiot he is that he can't resist eating ingredients to make a cake (and since it's a 'jewel cake' presumably he's the only one that could eat it anyway, so he was just going to go Pinkie Pie on it) and Fluttershy arrives. She sees Spike in his apron and the empty measuring cup on his head and apologizes for interrupting. Spike makes a remark about how he wasn't busy, he just had a cake to not bake, and Fluttershy goes to leave. Spike tells her it was just a joke and invites her in. Fluttershy starts off by saying that Princess Cadence needs them to do a good job welcoming the head of the Equestria Games when she visits the Crystal Empire tomorrow. Spike is pissed.

"Get the hell out."

Apparently Cadence didn't invite Spike to help welcome this official. This is not really a surprise as we have seen he was acting like an idiot at her wedding, has a reputation for being a clumsy moron, and although he stupidly got the Kill Confirmed stained glass for saving the Crystal Empire. he almost fouled that up as well as he tripped. Fluttershy says she came to ask him for a favor, and that she has a jewel to offer in exchange. Of course, Spike is interested.

The favor is for Spike to take care of Fluttershy's rabbit, angel. Now, Fluttershy has all sorts of animals, yet she only wants him to tend to one? Angel is an asshole that hits the hooves that feeds him, so of course he doesn't like Spike, and vice versa. Angel does seem scared of Owloiscious though. Fluttershy tries to leave with her jewel since Spike didn't seem to thrilled about having to watch Angel, but his greed can't be quenched and he agrees just to get the gem. Of course, this is Fluttershy, so he probably could have just stolen it and ate it and she wouldn't have done jack.

As she leaves, Spike puts the jewel into the measuring cup and gets an idea: Fluttershy can't be the only pony that needs their pets watched. Let's presume it will just be the pets of the 'mane 6' that would mean Applejack's dog, Rarity's cat, Twilight's owl(even though he is more capable than Spike himself), that stupid ass tortoise, and Pinkie's lizard thing.

Ugh. There it is, that piece of shit tortoise complete with its stupid flying machine. Even worse, Rainbow Dash actually likes the thing. At least it smashed into a building.

The PoS (I'm just going to abbreviate it to this) continues smashing into buildings so Rainbow agrees to let Spike watch it. Rarity also agrees and begins dictating a list of things Spike must do to take care of her cat, Opalescence. Good, Opal smacks the PoS, 'cause fuck that thing.

Wow, really? Come on. Rarity is looking into the mirror with Spike behind her.

He then starts getting little hearts fluttering around him and is lifted into the air. Rainbow tells Rarity that Spike is expecting payment, and she gives him a little ruby-ish gem. You maybe could say the 'in love' effect was from all the gems on Rarity's clothes, but I doubt it as he stares at the gem and says 'Almost as beautiful as the pony that gave it to me' so he was more than likely getting turned on by staring at her ass. Rainbow, disturbed by Spike's lust, asks if he should be critter proofing the library or something. and the PoS trashes Rarity's room. Fuck that thing. Spike says three down, three to go, so he is definitely preying on all his master's friends.

Pinkie is apparently like a 'crazy cat lady' and thinks Gummy can talk to her. She starts going Pinkie mode about things she thinks Gummy may have said. Spike finally has enough and grabs her mouth and holds it shut, telling her Gummy wants Spike time, but it ain't free. Pinkie agrees to pay because, "Spike time is the best!" Go figure the two gluttonous moron characters would enjoy spending time together.

The PoS was in all those scenes with Rainbow/at Rarity's, and we don't even get to see Spike propositioning Applejack. She just shows up with her dog, Winona, at the library and references them having made a deal. Rainbow warned Spike to get a helmet because you only want to get hit in the head by a flying tortoise once. She should have just blasted the PoS with lightning the first time it happened, as we have seen that it is truly just a piece of shit and I am glad that it has been absent from the majority of episodes since May the Best Pet Win, because it is just a horribly, horrible character. Twilight comes down and says she didn't remember seeing critters on the invite list. The PoS hits Spike in the head. You breath fire, Spike. Kill it. The train is leaving and they begin saying goodbye to their critters.

Pinkie Pie starts raging at her mute Gummy over who loves who more. I've never really been too fond of Pinkie, but she was doing good this season, if I had a 'mane 6' tier she would have been 3rd or 4th I think. Then Wonderbolts Academy happened and she's just been going downhill from there it seems.

Spike coerces Twilight into giving him a gem to watch Owloiscious. Why exactly are all these ponies walking around with gems? I don't think they use them as currency, they have some kind of coin called 'bits' if I recall. Twilight is highly skeptical that Spike can handle watching the critters for a day. Kind of neat, there seems to be clinking sound effects when Spike moves his tail, which is holding the cup of gems.

Yay, crazy Twilight facial expression, my favorite.

As soon as Spike closes the door, things go to hell. Opal is scratching on something, Gummy is pulling books off shelves, Winona is running around chasing Angel and Owloiscious gets caught in her leash, and PoS is smashing into shit like fucking usual, including smacking into Spike again. Spike is knocked out and when he recovers things are contnuing to be FUBAR. Opal is shredding the curtains, Gummy is trashing a book like an asshole, PoS is trying to hang out with Owloiscious and is so heavy the stand he set down on goes flying.

Kind of interesting, I noticed it before but didn't take a good look at it, but it looks like PoS' flying device is powered by magic. How the hell that works I have no idea, could be a long duration enchantment I guess. (I just looked at my screenshot of PoS from the other episode, and it does look to have the 'magic aura' effect, but doesn't have the wavy lines like it does here, or the screenshot I took doesn't anyway.

New use for magic: powering machinery.

Spike has had enough of this bullshit, and takes command, ordering the 'sidekicks' to line up. Winona is the only one that obeys. Spike grabs PoS and puts it in line, then Owloiscious who appeared behind him, Opal is up on her bed and he grabs her, shredding the bedding, and Gummy is sucking on his foot. He counts off 5 and wonders who is missing. Angel runs out the door, Spike gets pissed, then gets his by PoS again.

"I'll see you in Hell, Spike."

Instead of taking PoS' flying device, Spike got a helmet. Winona is tracking Angel and Spike is dragging the other critters on leashes.

Angel has fled to the Cutie Mark Crusaders' clubhouse. The Crusaders are fawning over him. They actually stayed at Fluttershy's house in Stare Master, although I don't recall them interacting with Angel at all. But, hey, it's the Crusaders, maybe this episode will improve a bit.

You know, Angel seems more like something Rainbow Dash might own given his attitude, rather than a bumbling PoS that is PoS, then again she was 'Rainbow Crash.' (Not that I want to give PoS any credit or anything of that sort whatsoever, the thing has already gotten way too much screentime in this episode and there's still 10~ minutes left)

Spike decides to pawn off Angel on the Crusaders.

 Apple Bloom tells him they have some major Crusaders business planned. Scootaloo confirms that it is indeed major business and slips on some goggles, they are going to get skydiving cutie marks.

They even have a poster from a skydiving company or something, and you can see they would use one of those airships we have seen before, notably in Sweet and Elite.

 

Spike makes another attempt to get rid of Angel, telling them that maybe they could have got bunny sitting cutie marks. Hmm, was Scootaloo's voice different here? It didn't sound like her. Sweetie Belle is really into the idea, and Apple Bloom confesses that they didn't really know how they were going to try skydiving. Spike decides to try and dump all of the critters on the Crusaders, but they aren't stupid. They share a conspiratorial glance with each other, then accept.

Spike starts to leave and they stop him and start telling him they will need treats to reward the critters if they're good, beds for them to sleep in, and toys. So, the Crusaders are more knowledgeable about pet sitting than Spike apparently. They demand a gem from Spike, who denies having any, and Apple Bloom says she knows for a fact that Applejack paid him a gem to watch Winona. Apparently if you have gems in the Ponyverse you are just expected to carry them around with you, which Spike, stupidly, was. If he had left them at home, he could have told the Crusaders he had to go get one, and they would likely forget as the pets go apeshit in their clubhouse like they did elsewhere.

Spike gives up a jewel, the smallest one, but also the one Rarity gave him. Apparently he's not that into her as he didn't even have second doubts about it. (Wasn't he obsessing over a gem she gave him before? Or when she kissed him, or the bowtie she made him) Aww... Looks like Scootaloo made a Rainbow Dash statuette for the clubhouse. <3

Spike is singing to himself and has bought more cake ingredients. In the background we see some big tents, with a pie and maybe a horseshoe sign. Not sure what this location is meant to be but it seems close to the Crusader's clubhouse/Sweet Apple Acres. Spike overhears them talking about Owloiscious' feathers being pink and PoS' head being gone. Did Scootaloo kill Tank? Could.. could this be? I love you, Scootaloo! Please, please let it be true!

Spike rushes in and the critters and Crusaders have been waging a hellacious battle against one another. Unfortunately, Scootaloo didn't decapitate PoS. Nuts. Oh well, still love you, Scootaloo. You'll get that paper hanging sonnovabitch next time.

The Crusaders say it looks like they aren't getting critter sitting cutie marks, nor critter grooming cutie marks.

Spike reluctantly agrees to take back the pets, and demands the jewel back. The Crusaders have already spent it and he wants to know why not.

Scootaloo asks him how does he think they paid for an industrial-sized pet hair dryer. So that little gem Rarity gave him was apparently worth quite a bit, and he just handed it off to a couple little fillies like it was nothing just because it was so small it wouldn't sate his gluttonous urges.

We return to Ponyville, and we are shown a scene with the crazy pony from Read it and Weep and a nurse. Looks like her condition has improved if she's living on her own(?) and wirhout a straight jacket on. Big Mac and Cheerilee are also walking together in the background, so there's a callout to Hearts and Hooves Day I guess.

Spike gets dragged down the street by the pets and they smash him into a tree, Angel starts laughing his ass off. I didn't like Angel before due to him beating Fluttershy etc. but I think because of that garbage episode that preceded this one involving her that I don't really care that he abused her. That episode was just really, really, crappy. We see Zecora and what appears to be the nerd pony from Putting Your Hoof Down. Which is kind of funny since I was just thinking of that episode since Angel was being a douchebag in it.

Zecora tells Spike she can help him, for some of his jewels. See, Spike, you really should have left them at home. Despite the things being seemingly common enough since dragons have huge hordes of them and Rarity uses them to make clothes, everypony wants them. Spike agrees and gives Zecora the relatively small gem Rainbow gave him, which she promptly donates to a pony Girl Scout.

Zecora's lesson for Spike was, "You think jewels are what you need, but there's no worse mojo than dragon greed." Spike is pissed. Angel continues to laugh his ass off. Spike's stomach starts to growl, so remember, dragons eat gems, Spike is considered a baby dragon, so Zecora pretty much stole some of a babie's food just to throw it away in front of him. And didn't Spike already learn a lesson about being greedy, a lesson that had like an entire episode devoted to it?

Spike turns and sees the pets in an Andy Capp dust cloud fight and he has had enough. He sees a ribbon in a trash can or something and has an idea. He ties the pets into a big ball and starts rolling them down the street, where he passes Granny Smith. What are the odds that she will get a jewel from him, too?

Granny Smith glares at him and he pays her a jewel for her silence. Spike also gets trampled as the pets break free. I think this might be the one that Applejack gave him, so there might be an awkward conversation later on in the Apple household, especially when they see the Crusaders' hair dryer and trashed clubhouse.

 Owloiscious picks Spike up and turns his head, pointing with his wing. Angel is escaping on a train.

The conductor, which I believe we've seen before although I don't recall the episode(s), stops Spike and tells him he won't have unescorted critters on the train without tickets and chaperones. Spike tells him he just needs to get on and grab a bunny, but the conductor isn't buying it. The Crusaders are nearby on a bridge, planning to jump off to get their skydiving mark. Spike rudely grabs them, so hard they are ripped right out of their skydiving gear.

Spike asks if three ponies are enough, and ends up having to pay yet another jewel, this time Twilight's. Spike is down to two gems, Fluttershy's and Pinkie's or Applejack's.

As they board the train, the conductor announces, "All aboard for the Crystal Empire!" The Crusaders are excited. Considering all the little references to older episodes this season, and this episode,, I wonder if there will be any on this train. Looks like just 'background ponies' so far, although the one with the berries cutie mark looks really pissed to see the critters/Spike/Crusaders. Spike tells the Crusaders they can't go to the Crystal Empire, then spots Angel, but it is too late as the train is moving.

Hey, there's a reference. Apparently Donut Joe, alias Con Mane, is back on a train again and has a donut cart.

Aww, so cute. Scootaloo is super excited about there being crystal walls, possibly even see through walls.

Spike is carressing his jewels and the critters somehow open the door and swarm Donut Joe, trashing his cart. Spike is down to his first gem.

The train pulls into the station and we see the Crystal Empire in all its glory. Scootaloo really likes the Crystal Empire, declaring it "So beautiful..." as the Crusaders gaze out the window in awe. Well there you go Rainbow Dash, you're her big sister now, take her here. :)

Spike tells them to enjoy it while they can, because they aren't leaving the car until they are in Ponyville. The Crusaders are upset, and Apple Bloom tells him there's no way they came all the way there and aren't going to have a look around.  The Crusaders are undettered, Scootaloo promptly raises her wing for Apple Bloom, who bites out a feather and threatens Spike, "Don't make me use this."

Poor Scootaloo :( Not the first time they've yanked her feathers.

As the Crusaders begin tickling Spike, Angel looks out the window and sees Fluttershy and the others. He taps on the glass but they don't notice and he seems distraught. Quick thinking, he spies the tickled Spike and the door, and Angel jumps and utilizes PoS to smash open the door for his escape.

The Crusaders, Spike, and the critters spill out onto the station in search of Angel. Spike ducks them behind a chest as the mane 6 queue up to board. The Crsuaders are looking at a Crystal Empire snowglobe, to which Scootaloo utters, "Whoa. Just... whoa..." <3 Sweetie Belle says she's in crystal heaven.

Angel sees Fluttershy and hauls ass towards her. Spike goes in pursuit and tries to reason with Angel, telling him anything he wants and it is his. Spike spies a bulging luggage cart ahead held together with a strap. In desperation, he throws his last gem, hitting the buckle and spilling the luggage, with his gem getting stuck up in a gutter.

The conductor calls out all board and Fluttershy runs to get on. Angel desperately jumps up and down to try and get her attention but is scooped up by Spike. The Crusaders and critters all board and strangely are actually obeying Spike's commands. Twilight and the others start coming back to their car and he orders them all to hide. Applejack says her dogs are barking and sits down right over Spike and Winona, who barks. Applejack comments, "Did y'all hear that? They really are!" Rarity is disgusted.

Rainbow Dash makes a remark, "Bummer Spike had to miss out on all this. He woulda' had fun here." Now, I didn't think Rainbow really cared for Spike at all, why would she randomly make a remark like that in the 'debriefing' phase? Twilight says that Spike is probably having a great time watching the critters. Applejack asks her if she thinks Spike still has things under control. Twilight says as long as Spike is staying calm and collected, she thinks he's doing a terrific job as a leader. Meanwhile, Angel is preparing to literally kick Twilight's ass.

Spike hears what Twilight had to say about him and accepts his fate, telling Angel to do his worst. Angel stops and goes over to Spike to see what's up. Spike apologizes to Angel for ignoring him, for pawning him off to the Crusaders, for not taking care of his tail and fluffing it. Spike explains that he was just out for the jewels and wasn't thinking about Angel, or any of the other critters, and hopes they can all forgive him some day. Winona licks him, and apparently that means they all forgive him.

 

Spike's stomach starts to growl, and he laments that it will be him that gives them away. Applejack looks around nervously, since the noise is emanating from her seat. Twilight must be pretty chunky too, since that's Applejack's butt in the above, which Angel's ears could barely reach let alone him laying on his back, and the one above that is Twilight's.

Angel sneers at Spike, then glances at his now-fluffed tail, and has a change of heart. Angel bounds off and returns with Fluttershy's gem. Spike's stomach continues to growl and Angel shoves it in his mouth, Spike takes a bite, and they are safe, for now.

They apparently arrive in Ponyville without incident, and as the mane 6 head onto the station platform, Spike, Crusaders, and critters jump off the opposite side. Applejack and Twilight really want to see their pets, and they are all surprised to see them waiting for them. Sweetie Belle almost blows it by asking Rarity if they brought them a snowglobe from the Crystal Empire train station, and claims it was just a 'lucky guess' that she knew they had them. Owloiscious jokes around with Spike with another 'Who?' bit and playfully brushes him with his wing.

Aww, Scootaloo hanging out with Rainbow Dash

Apparently Spike covered the damages to the Library at some point, as Twilight doesn't freak out about it as they enter. She asks him what he will do with his jewels and that a six-layer jewel cake sounds good. Spike agrees, and promptly eats his sole remaining jewel as he goes to put it into the mix. The episode ends with him screamiing 'WHY!?' again.

What I learned from this episode:

• Jewels are apparently used as currency alongside 'bits' in the Ponyverse. (Or ponies aren't adverse to taking them for payment, at least) Rarity's designs might cost a fortune, so it's no wonder that pop stars like Sapphire Shores want them.
• Angel was probably my favorite of the pets here. Laughing at Spike, desperately trying to get back with his beloved Fluttershy, and not afraid of kicking Twilight "I rage so hard I launch the Library into the air" Sparkle in the ass.
• I don't think this episode did Spike any favors. He was not only being greedy, he was being an idiot as well with such poor control over himself that he kept eating the jewels he was trying to cook with, and didn't know that he was the reason they were gone.
• The next episode is actually going to be connected to this one, aka it will be the gang welcoming the head of the Equestria Games. This is really odd, as there was pretty much no reason this episode had to be connected to that one (although we would have potentially missed those moments with the Crusaders in the Empire), and could have just as easily had some generic scenario for why the mane 6 were all going someplace. I guess we shall see when that one airs why they felt the need to connect them. (The Games official was also said to be a female, so I wonder if this will be a returning character that Spike had issues with before, hence Cadence not inviting him. The only one I can think of except Trixie would be Gilda, but Rainbow's comment about Spike could have had a good time may suggest otherwise, and it may in fact be a whole new character.)
• Magic proves once again it is infinitely useful, as it seemed to be powering Tank's flying device.
• We also saw that there are Girl Scouts of some sort in the Ponyverse.