Ponyville Confidential

Dear Princess Luna...

"Still nothing?"

Looks like it may be a Cutie Mark Crusaders focused episode. Starting off, Unicorn Crusader and Pegasus Crusader are complaining that some other pony got his cutie mark. Pegasus and Unicorn Crusaders (Hmm, have I really not heard their names in any episodes they've been in?) are feeling dejected, and Applebloom says she has an idea and throws the school newspaper at them, then runs off before explaining whatever the idea was.

Use for magic: sealing cardboard boxes.

Pegasus and Unicorn Crusaders try to get their cutie marks by balling up newspaper to pack a vase for Rarity, rip off strips of newspaper for a bird nest, and make those paper hats and boats you usually see in cartoons. None of this gives them their marks.

Make peace with your gods, Applebloom, you're gonna get smoked.

The two mud and newspaper covered Crusaders confront Applebloom, telling her her cockamamie newspaper idea was a waste of time. Applebloom decides to laugh at her angry looking friends, and explain she thought they should become journalists.

At school the next day, they happen to be recruiting for the newspaper. The Unicorn Crusader is apparently Sweetie Belle. (Bell? Sweety? whatevs) The new editor is none other than Diamond Tiara, that mean little pony we met in my previous post.

Even the non-Crusader ponies don't seem to like her, as they also exclaim 'Diamond Tiara?!?' as she arrives. =]

Wow, the teacher, Cherilee just leaves the room and leaves them on their own. I think in a previous episode I questioned how the hell Cherilee is allowed to teach, and this just further proves her incompetence, as she has to know what a nasty little girl Diamond Tiara is.

As soon as Cherilee is gone, Diamond Tiara goes into boss mode, talking about how the paper is a joke and she's going to turn it around. Let me guess, it becomes a gossip/smear rag.

"We're gonna grab the old paper by the nose, and we're gonna kick it in the ass! We're gonna kick the hell out of it all the time, and go through it like crap through a goose!"

Surprisingly, Diamond Tiara is actually just being the 'tough boss' and wants the paper to be successful, and not giving the Crusaders embarrassing assignments or something...yet.

Sweetie Belle decides to interview Rarity for her first piece, this backfires as Rarity is in fashion-mode.

Use for magic, humiliating ponies by magic'ing clothes onto them.

Alright, I don't get this. Pegasus Crusader wants to do a story about the birds in that nest they put newspaper strips on earlier. She falls out of the tree and struggles to fly and fails. Yet Pound Cake, the month old baby pony was flying all over the place, and was dragging a young adult Pinkie Pie around as well.

I guess she sort of was able to get off the ground.

Applebloom wants to interview her Granny about the history of Ponyville, but Granny would rather show her embarrassing baby pictures of Applebloom.

Despite these apparent failures, the Crusaders did write their stories, Diamond Tiara is not pleased with them. Diamond Tiara threatens them to have a new story on her desk by the end of the day.

Now there's the Diamond Tiara we know.

Those two retard ponies have managed to get themselves stuck together with bubble gum. I guess their names are Snips and Snails. Sweetie Belle gets Featherweight, the paper's photographer, to take some photos of them and it ends up being front page on their paper.

Extra! Extra! The Dumb Duo Strike Again.

Wow, looking at that picture there, those two are Unicorns? That's not cool, they better bind their powers before they find a way to create a hurricane or something.

Yep, called it, sort of. Diamond Tiara wants them to keep delivering stories about "ponies and their private lives, the things they do when they think they're alone." Surprisingly once again, Diamond Tiara is actually being pretty cool so far. Even though in that other episode Applebloom seemed like her archenemy.

Pegasus Crusader is actually Scootaloo(?) or something to that effect. So they just got promoted from running the printing press? to gossip columnists. Instead of going around Ponyville for scoops, they are just sitting at a picnic table, complaining they don't have any stories.

Snips and Snails have got themselves stuck together with gum, again, desperate for another '15 minutes.'

Sweetie Belle is Rarity's sister/daughter/cousin/niece I presume, as Rarity trips over some satchel and starts using magic to 'accidentally' open it and 'accidentally' read the document inside.

I've said it before, but Unicorns are just naturally prone to thievery, and now espionage. Hey, if the people that make this show somehow are reading, if it doesn't already exist, we need a 'Daring Do' parody for James Bond/Sam Fisher/etc., a Unicorn of course  =]

Sweetie Belle catches Rarity reading the paper, I'm not sure how Rarity thought she would hide it behind her, since, you know, her horn was lit up like a Christmas tree since she was using magic. Sweetie Belle smacks her horn, which must be the Unicorn equivalent of a kick to the groin, as Rarity drops to the ground.

I think I covered this before, but an actual con to magic, 'channeled' spells can be interrupted.

Rarity tells Sweetie Belle how good the Gabby Gums (the name the Crusaders use for their gossip section) article is, and how her friends will love Gabby Gums. Sweetie Belle rushes off to the other Crusaders and tells them they should look for stories in Ponyville. Wasn't that what Diamond Tiara wanted them to do anyway? She'd probably be annoyed if she found out her gossip columnists thought she just wanted bits on their classmates, there's only like 10 of them or something.

They write a piece about the Cake twins bursting into tears in a store or whatever, and the non-foal (think that's the term they use) ponies are now reading the paper as the Crusaders dish out the dirt. I wanted to do at least one episode of this a night, since there's like 40 something, but yeah. that's not working out, so I'm forgetting some of the lingo =]

Remember the old newspapers where they used to have things like 'Mr. and Mrs. Owens visited with Mr. and Mrs. Wattleigh this Saturday for tea.' I wonder if any really small towns still do that kind of thing.

That's messed up, Twilight and co. are at the pony spa, Rainbow comes in with the 'new' Gabby Gums. The cucumbers on Spike's eyes end up on her eyes, she eats one, he plucks the other off her eye, then reaches down her throat to get the other, and just puts it on his eye. Spike is hardcore 'bout his cucumbers.

Of course, Twilight Worth has a problem with Gabby Gums, complaining that she's mean and doesn't respect any ponies' privacy.

'Celestia: Just Like Us' is that the Ponyverse 'Black Like Me'?

Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie, and Rainbow all disagree with Twilight. Rarity pressures Rainbow into a 'hooficure' and is urged to by Twilight. Surprise, Featherweight appears! Rainbow freaks out about the hooficure and flies away from the spa employee. She says how she would like Gabby Gums to do a story about her, Spike says 'She did one on me' and they all simultaneously surround him and exclaim, 'What?!"

Not surprising Spike had a 'Gabby Gums' done about him, considering his thievery, gluttony, etc.

Stampede! They poured him from his helmet and they poured him from his boots, and he ain't gonna gloat no more!

I was wrong, the 'Gabby Gums' about Spike was just an interview. Diamond Tiara doesn't like it and calls it the worst column yet. The Crusaders are starting to feel bad about all the gossip they've been writing about, but agree that they gotta 'give the ponies what they want.'

Their next piece is 'Applejack Asleep on the Job' and 'Big Mac: What's He Hiding?' Nice to see Applebloom decided to trash her own family...

The Crusaders have been working overtime and have several editions out, or maybe the same one, mudslinging all the 'mane 6.'

Even though she's trying to fit in and make friends, she still gets trashed for her pariah past.

Technically, the stories about Applejack, Big Mac, Twilight (sort of), Pinkie, Rainbow (sort of), Fluttershy (she kind of acted like it was legit) and Rarity were true I guess. Kind of a dick move on the latter though, Sweetie Belle, confirmed as Rarity's sister, was reprinting Rarity's diary as The Drama Queen Diaries.

The story about the Cakes breaking up was just made up, and the alleged quote from Twilight, supposedly from Spike, calling Ponyville a dump full of low-class rubes. 'Rubes' does seem like something Twilight would use, I mean, hell, I use that myself, so kudos, Twilight, maybe.

Twilight of course is further outraged and wants Gabby Gums shut down. She suggests speaking to Sweetie Belle about Gabby Gums, Rarity denies that her sister would even associate with Gabby Gums, then 'accidentally' goes through her satchel again and finds her diary.

Rarity kicks in her sister's door and starts raging at her, eventually asking if she thinks 'writing nasty things and making every pony feel horrible' is what Sweetie Belle thinks her destiny is. You know, I'm sure there are ponies that do have that 'mark' so I'm not sure why Rarity thinks it's some improbable thing.

The Crusaders then try to quit, Diamond Tiara is not pleased. The Crusaders don't care that the paper is super successful, do they even get money from this? Diamond Tiara busts out her dernier cri, embarrassing photos of the Crusaders Featherweight took towards the beginning, when Sweetie Belle was dressed by Rarity, Scootaloo fell from the tree, and somehow, a shot of the photo album. Did he break into the Apple/Smith's home?

"Quit? Oh, hell no! You're fired! Now beg for your jobs back so I can re-hire you, then fire you again!"

The Crusaders give up, not wanting themselves to be the target of 'Gabby Gums' and set off in search of stories. I'm going to assume here that in the end, they give up, the stories about them run, and they just laugh it off.

They find Rainbow Dash lounging on a cloud, she tells them that every pony knows they are Gabby Gums, and kicks the cloud to make it rain on them.

Considering we've seen that Derpy pony jumping on a cloud and launching lightning bolts, the Crusaders might not live long enough to see what their marks are..

For some reason the Crusaders have decided to visit their recent victims. Fluttershy is crying so much tears flow out the door. That rabbit slams the door in their face.

We saw that rabbit beating the hell out of Fluttershy, the Crusaders better watch their backs...

Haha, they then stupidly try to go see Twilight, and walk into a forcefield. I guess this technically isn't a new use for magic, since Shining Armor was powering up a mega forcefield around Canterlot, but cool to see Twilight knows how to do it.

New use for magic: keeping out solicitors.

Even the normally reserved Big Mac has had enough of their antics, as he tells them to go to hell, in nicer language.

The Crusaders are now officially the Twilights of Ponyville. They walk through the streets and no pony looks at them, or they rush inside and pull down curtains, etc. So is this what Twilight did pre-exile, run a gossip column for her school newspaper?

Well, I was wrong again, sort of. Instead of Diamond Tiara running those embarrassing photos, the Crusaders wrote a column about themselves instead.

Apparently an 'Open Letter to Ponyville' was what they wrote. Diamond Tiara, after just congratulating herself in the third person, is apparently not as awesome an editor-in-chief as she thought, and she didn't even read the story before it was printed.

"This is only supposed to happen to poor ponies, what the hell?"

The Crusaders deliver newspapers to a couple of their victims, and in their article they wrote how they were sorry for what they had done, and only did it because everyone seemed to enjoy it, and they wouldn't do it anymore.

Okay, this would make a helluva lot more sense for me if this episode came before Family Appreciation Day. Cherilee has finally stepped in and decided to revoke 'editor-in-chief' privileges from Diamond Tiara. Diamond Tiara would then have a legit reason, assuming earlier episodes don't involve one, for hating Applebloom/Crusaders.

What would the Ponyverse equivalent of a 'horse head in the bed' be, cause I think Cherilee is gonna find out.

Featherweight is made editor-in-chief, the printing press pony is made staff photographer, and Diamond Tiara is made printing press pony, and immediately slips on ink.

"What? I'm too rich and pretty to do this low-class rube work!"

What I learned from this episode:

• Diamond Tiara isn't really that bad, she just wanted a successful paper, and she was able to reach that goal, having a readership in Ponyville and Cloudsdale at least. Not bad for a kindergarten/elementary school paper.
• Every other pony seems to just get their mark, while the Crusaders obsessively try anything they can think of. I mean, really, they thought they would get marks in packing boxes. I guess there probably are some ponies with marks for that, but come on, Crusaders. Try to aim a little higher than that.
• Twilight is actually pretty cool, she's good with magic and does usually have her friends' best interests at heart. She's still kind of 'pariah-ish' and very Mary Worth-y but she's growing on me. Especially since she's a Unicorn and rocking that magic.