Over a Barrel

Dear Princess Luna...

Feeling ill and watching MLP makes Knight Templar dream something something... So one of the more frequent destinations of my dreams is the lake that I spent most of my childhood summers at. All sorts of crazy things can go down there in the dream world: battleships, submarines, alien invasions. Joining their ranks are now the Cutie Mark Crusaders. That one actually happened yesterday, so the details are hazy, I just remember they were definitely part of it, something was going on out in the water, while I was guiding one through brush to find some object.

I woke up after crashing earlier, and had another pony related dream. I was Rainbow Dash and was being asked what my middle name was. I remember thinking it was Dash, then saying it was Lightning or something. Really odd, I guess it was from that Cutie Mark Chronicles episode where we learn Pinkie has a middle name. It then moved on to hunting terrorists a la Rainbow Six in this big parking complex, then this crazy betting parlor, and finally I was my priest from when I played World of Warcraft and had to fight my way through a swamp to get home, I got killed and woke up.

Interesting.. When adding a picture you can upload it, enter an URL, link a photo album, or use previously uploaded ones. The previously uploaded ones (which were working earlier) are now saying there are no photos.  I don't know what's up with that, looks like they are all still there, I do have a few hundred images already, so maybe it broke?

The Ponyverse is interesting as it seems to still have a Wild West. Maybe the Ponyverse is in the early 1900s or late 1800s. Episode starts with a train going through traditional Western scenery: cacti, tumbleweeds, desert cliffs. The train is being pulled by ponies, and then zooms in on the caboose, where Applejack is reading a book.

"Hans Gustav Snider, a local provider of groceries, canned goods, and such, had read of the war until himself and the store were both what is known as 'in Dutch.' His brain he'd been feeding on so much war reading, he woke up one night in fright. He rushed down the stairs, tripped over two chairs, and turned on the grocery store lights. There were eggshells bursting near and far, above the Russian caviar. A Bismark herring by itself was pushing all the French peas off the shelf. An Irish potato started to cry when a Spanish onion hit his eye. Frankfurters fighting all over the floor: howling and growling were the dogs of war. There was Sunny Jim, upon a horse, swooping down with all its force. The paprika, growing weaker, shouted out, "Won't you open that door!" And a couple of tough Vienna rolls shot a poor Swiss cheese all full of holes, in the terrible war in Snider's grocery store! Dutch pumpernickel had joined a dill pickle, attacking the French navy beans. A Limburger cheese greatly strengthened the breeze, as anchovies, prunes and sardines were fighting an army of Dago salami, and that's only half what he saw. He jumped into bed, put some ice on his head, and went on the wagon once more!"

You may have thought she was reading to Applebloom, nope, it's an apple tree she calls Bloomberg.

"R-Rarity! What are you doing here!"

Rarity is upset that Applejack has an entire private car for a tree, while she is forced to sleep in a car full of ponies. Apparently they are going to Appleloosa to give Bloomberg to Applejack's relatives. Rarity leaves in a huff as Applejack talks to the tree.

It is now nighttime, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttersy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash are all chatting, which annoys Rarity and Spike, who are trying to sleep. Rainbow Dash complains some of the popcorn kernels aren't popped, Spike burns her entire bag.

Aww.

After Spike's little performance, Twilight wisely decides they should go to sleep and turns off the light. Spike is already asleep. Rainbow starts whispering to Pinkie, asking if each other is asleep yet. They climb out of their bunks and start talking by candlelight.

When you see millions of the mouthless dead
Across your dreams in pale battalions go,
Say not soft things as other men have said,
That you'll remember. For you need not so.
Give them not praise. For, deaf, how should they know
It is not curses heaped on each gashed head?
Nor tears. Their blind eyes see not your tears flow.
Nor honour. It is easy to be dead.
Say only this, "They are dead." Then add thereto,
"Yet many a better one has died before."
Then, scanning all the o'ercrowded mass, should you
Perceive one face that you loved heretofore,
It is a spook. None wears the face you knew.
Great death has made all his for evermore.

Rainbow is whining to Pinkie about them possibly having to carry the apple tree from the train to the orchard. Pinkie asks if she means Bloomberg, Rainbow says no, she means Fluttershy... Pinkie says Fluttershy isn't a tree, Twilight joins in, and acts like Rainbow actually thinks Fluttershy is a tree. Fluttershy then chimes in saying she would like to be a tree. Spike wakes up and leaves, exasperated, choosing to sleep with Bloomberg. They laugh at him, then Rarity yells at them and they finally go to sleep.

"I will flay you all!"

The next morning, they find themselves in the middle of a buffalo stampede.

Does make you wonder what America was like back in the old days with all the buffalo herds.

The buffalo are attacking the train and the ponies pulling it. A little buffalo girl jumps aboard, Rainbow heads out to investigate. The buffalo girl is quick and nimble and refuses to answer Rainbow's questions. Rainbow ends up smashing into a sign and the buffalo girl detaches the caboose (carrying the tree and Spike) and signals the buffalo, which break off their attack and start taking away the caboose. Rainbow vows revenge.

"They got Bloomberg!" "Those bastards!"

They arrive at Appleloosa and meet Applejack's cousin, Braeburn, who won't let them explain what is going on. He shows them the town, which apparently was built in a year.

Of course there's a cowboy hat store.

Braeburn showcases the towns features: horse-drawn carriages, horse drawn horse-drawn carriages, a saloon called the Salt Block, sheriff Silver Star, wild west dances, mild west dances, and the apple orchard.

Carriageception.

Applejack tires of her cousin's Pinkie-esque behavior and hollers for his attention. They tell him that a stampede of buffalo attacked and stole the tree plus Spike, and that Rainbow went after them and Pinkie is MIA.

"Braeburn! Would you kindly shut yer trap!"

Braeburn explains that the buffalo don't like the settlers and want them to get rid of all their apple trees, and especially don't want new trees being planted.

"It's not fair!"

We cut to Rainbow, who is sneaking between rocks. Pinkie surprises her, and Rainbow starts arguing with her, trying to get her to leave. Buffalo appear and surround them. Aww, Rainbow tells Pinkie to run and she'll hold them off.

"And when I get to Heaven, to Saint Peter I shall tell, "One more pegasus reporting, sir. I've served my time in Hell."

The buffalo start to charge and are stopped by Spike, who vouches for them. Rainbow and Pinkie are confused. Back at the buffalo encampment, Spike explains that the buffalo took him by accident and feel terrible about it, so they treat him as an honored guest, plus they respect dragons. Pinkie and Rainbow are served some horrible looking meal, which of course Pinkie gobbles down. That little buffalo girl that owned Rainbow earlier gives Spike a bowl full of turquoise to eat.

"I get turquoise, you guys get gruel, win-win?"

 Spike introduces the ponies to the buffalo girl, Little Strongheart, Rainbow does a double take, seeing it is her nemesis.

"You!"

Little Strongheart tries to apologize, claiming they didn't want anyone to get hurt when they robbed the train. Yeah, I'm calling shenanigans on that. One: The buffalo were ramming the guys pulling the train. Two: Little Strongheart was smiling when she saw Rainbow smash headfirst into that sign I'm pretty sure. (It hurt Rainbow so bad she was getting random head aches that made her cringe) Little Strongheart says the evil settlers planted their orchard in the buffalo's traditional stampeding grounds.

Spike says it's time for them to meet Chief Thunderhooves.  The Chief tells the story of how for generations they have run this specific path, and now the Appleloosans have blocked it. They are so tied to tradition instead of bypassing it, they just set up camp until they can get rid of the settlers.

Me hear the great big cannon roar, me want to help Yank man win war! Me like to fight and to heap much kill! Got to go and tomahawk Kaiser Bill! Me go along to fight in France, me once again do big war dance! (Sorry for the vintage racism, once I started using WW I stuff, and seeing the episode's focus, I knew I had to get Indianola in here somewhere.)

Throughout all this dialogue, Rainbow was just scowling and acting pissed. As Little Strongheart said they were stuck there, Rainbow flies up and stomps down, shocking everyone. She appears to have flip-flopped and is now on the buffalo's side, and says they have some apple-picking Appleloosans to go talk to.

I think the real reason Rainbow sides with buffalo is because that means she won't have to move that tree to the orchard.

The next morning, Applejack, Rarity, Twilight, Fluttershy, and Braeburn are preparing to go into buffalo territory to find their friends. They start off and almost immediately run into Spike, Pinkie, and Rainbow.

"Gol darn it, I planned all this for nothin'?"

They explain they brought Little Strongheart to talk to the Appleloosans, Braeburn and Strongheart seem eager to talk to one another, but Applejack and Rainbow start arguing for their respective sides.

"Wait, why is Rainbow supporting buffalo instead of ponies!?"

Twilight Worth interrupts, saying there must be something they can do. Pinkie says she has an idea. The buffalo and Appleloosans are gathered in front of a stage, Spike is playing the piano, the curtains open to a clam.

Pinkie starts singing about how they may be divided, but they all have hooves.

Aww, Pinkie can be pretty cute sometimes, when she isn't going crazy.

  She sings how they need to share and care. They are both vegetarians and eat hay and oats.

"Do you like my apples?"

Sheriff Silver Star and Chief Thunderhooves come to an agreement: that was the worst performance they have ever seen. Aww, that's pretty mean, especially since Pinkie just whipped the thing together and was doing it to try and stop the fighting.

The Chief declares they will stampede at high noon tomorrow, if the orchard is still there, they will flatten it and the town.

Pinkie will likely start Pony War III by performing some vaudeville routine at the Ponyverse UN.

Sometime later, the Appleloosans are trying to fortify their town. Twilight Worth tries to meddle, but they all just go inside and shut the windows/doors. The Appleloosans are harvesting their apples, Twilight Worth still tries to meddle, and gets raged at. Twilight whines that no one is listening to her.

"You guys are meanies! I'm glad your town's gonna be flattened!"

Back at the town, fortification continues, and for some reason they are making tons of apple pies.

"If we're gonna die tomorrow, we're gonna hold the biggest hootenanny ever tonight!"

At the buffalo camp, they are seen ramming into each other to train, sharpening their horns, and putting on war paint.

Yeah.. they're not just going to trash the trees and the town, they're going to gore those S.O.B. settlers.

Rainbow pleads with the Chief to find some other way. The Chief believes they have no other option.

War is hell.

Shortly before high noon, the buffalo assemble on the cliffs overlooking Appleloosa. The defenders are apparently using those pies as weapons, I guess getting hit by a steaming hot apple pie might do some damage. The clock strikes noon and both sides await the coming carnage.

"Remember the Applemo!"

As the clock finishes ringing noon, Little Strongheart puts her paw on the Chief's face. He seems to have had a change of heart. Pinkie appears, singing her song from earlier, the Chief is enraged and orders the attack.

Pinkie Pie: Worse than Hitler?

The buffalo gleefully trample over Pinkie, then smash through the first barricades. The defenders toss out their first volley of pies, and buffalo go down.

Apple Pies: The Ponyverse WMDs.

The town erupts into chaos. A pony jumps from a window and begins riding a buffalo. A buffalo smashes through a pile of hay bales the defense was launching pies from, another tries to take out more hay, but smashes into an anvil they had hidden inside it. A buffalo hits into the clock tower and it crashes to the ground. The sheriff is alone, taking pie shots at buffalo from a bunch of hay bales. The Chief sees him and charges, the sheriff is out of pies. He takes his hat off and holds it over his chest, accepting his death. As the Chief nears, a pie hits him just in time.

"Oh, bury me not on the lone prairie, where the coyotes wail and the wind blows free..."

The fighting stops. Spike and buffalo are crying. The pie drips down the Chief's face and into his mouth. He tastes it, loves it, and says he has a much better idea. We then see them cutting a path through the orchard (instead of transplanting the trees, they just chop them down?) then Rainbow leads the herd through.

And you're not gonna take what they've got to give
And you not gonna let them take your will to live
Because they've taken enough and you've given them all you can give
And luck won't save them tonight
They've given you reason to fight

The Chief allows the Appleloosans and their orchard to say, so long as they get a share of the fruit and those delicious apple pies. Spike says he'd rather eat turquoise any day and chomps down on an other bowlful. Bloomberg has been planted. Little Strongheart waves at Rainbow and Applejack and they run/fly with her towards the sunset.

"Instead of spa we'll drink down ale and pay the reckoning on the nail, for debt no man shall go to jail from Garry Owen in glory!"

Twilight narrates a letter to Princess Celestia, where she says friendship is a wondrous and powerful thing, that even the worst of enemies can become friends, you need understanding and compromise, and that you have to share and care. Pinkie jumps into the 'camera' and says, "Hey! That's what I said!" and the episode ends.

"That's some BS right there, I tell you what!"

What I learned from this episode:

• When the Four Horses of the Apocalypse come, it will be because of Pinkie Pie.
• All this hatred between buffalo and settlers, and all that needed to be done was to clear a trail through the orchard. The buffalo also were forced to stay there for possibly a year or so, and never just went and talked to them I think, or tried apple pies.
• Applejack thinks trees are 'people' and she is their mother.
• Twilight Worth's meddling actually failed, and the situation was only resolved because of warfare.
• I don't think there was a single use of magic in this episode. Unless it was something really mundane so I didn't notice it. =[